zsellopeter
Is it really happening? Everything I’ve been planning for such a long time now feels like only a snap of the fingers. I’m standing here with my backpack, passport, ticket, and my newly purchased camera gear. I have to pinch myself, am I dreaming, or is this reality? It’s hard to believe. The last two years have been full of splendid moments, but also difficult ones. As one of my very close friends once said: everything is real, everything is painful and beautiful as it comes, but all will eventually pass. That doesn’t make them less precious. After El Camino, I struggled. I felt as if I was speaking to uncomprehending ears, no one around me truly understood what I was talking about. Yet on a deeper level, something inside me had shifted, at least subconsciously. When I arrived home in mid-November, I knew I had to return to work in Austria. Surprisingly, it wasn’t as bad as I feared. I was in my best shape physically and mentally. I worked out six times a week, meditated, even learned to play guitar, uplifting changes compared to previous years. But my thoughts drifted elsewhere. I barely prepared for Asia, letting the idea only occasionally cross my mind. So, it ended up with a pretty lame excuse: I decided to extend my stay in Austria for another season. But just as I had done with El Camino, I promised myself I would begin in October, around my birthday, no matter what. And I did the exact same thing, I purchased the ticket. That was the unbreakable deadline. And yet, despite my dedication and desire, something felt off. Weeks and months passed, and an unexplainable anger began to grow in me. My body weakened, showing the same symptoms I had experienced before my surgery. I was terrified. Had I fought so hard for nothing? Surely not. Taking the advice of one of the most important people in my life, I resigned and went home two months before my flight date. I knew I needed to approach things differently. I started therapy and turned inward, determined to uncover the obstacles still blocking me from doing what I truly wished for. I had proved to myself so many times that I was capable, and I wasn’t about to throw in the towel. That decision was gold. It made me stronger and more aware of my current state. Before, I had only scratched the surface. Now, I was digging deeper. The work finally paid off. Even so, as the departure drew near, I carried a certain fear, but it was the good kind: fear mixed with excitement and curiosity. Could I perform again in an unknown environment? Could I face the challenges waiting for me? Leaving my loved one behind was hard, no matter how many times I had done it before. But here I am, standing with my backpack, passport, ticket, and camera gear — ready to explore Southeast Asia and discover all of my competences. Am I good enough to become a photographer? I know I am. There’s no question about it.